You Had Me at "Hello"

#communcation #greetings #tipsforlife

“Hello.” This simplest of greetings is likely the first word an English learner will be taught, and for good reason. “Hello” and its many variants—”Hi,” “Hey,” and “Howdy,” to name a few—feature prominently in our daily lives, as we encounter friends, family members, and strangers alike. The precise meaning of “Hello” can vary greatly by situation, ranging from a polite acknowledgement of an unfamiliar person to an intimate welcome for a guest in one’s home. Spoken with care, it can convey warmth, hospitality, and affection. Absent any feeling, the word may project no real meaning at all. The mark of good communicators lies in their ability to determine what they want to say and to express it clearly to their audience.

When an activity becomes part of our daily lives, we tend to think of it more as a routine than as a skill. When learning to drive, for example, we are keenly aware of the rules, and we give great care to our every movement, paying close attention to the gas pedal, the brakes, the position of the rear-view mirror, and so on. Only a few months later, it is rote, and we may travel from point A to point B entirely unaware of the hundreds of subtle gestures that got us there. We stop thinking of driving as a skill, and regard it more as a function of daily living. The same is true of communication. Because we engage in the practice of speaking on a daily basis, we inadvertently come to regard expressing ourselves as a mere habit, rather than a skill we can hone and perhaps even perfect.

Humans are communicative by nature; indeed, our ability to convey our intentions, our likes, and our dislikes to one another has largely defined our success as a species. We are communal, and often the happiest, best-adjusted, and most prosperous among us are those who are best able to articulate their thoughts to others. They are the leaders, innovators, and artists who, in the best of cases, steer the public narrative for the betterment of humanity. Even for the most naturally gifted among them, communication was a skill that required work to cultivate. And though we may not all aspire to positions of public prominence, we would undoubtedly benefit from sharpening the craft of expressing ourselves clearly and meaningfully.

But how shall one start? Communication differs from driving in that you are not likely to recall your first attempt at it. Most of us cannot feasibly think back to a time when our choice of words was governed by rules of language or even etiquette. To further complicate matters, our fast-paced world has created a culture in which people often speak first and think later. The path to becoming a better communicator lies in reversing bad habits and developing better ones. To this end, I offer a few practical tips.

Tip #1: Know Your Own Intentions

Deciding what you have to say before you say it may sound like common sense, but remember—the smallest considerations are the first to fall by the wayside as skills become mere routine. The hallmark of effective communication is conveying your message to your audience, but before this can be done, you must first know what that message is. Take the time to formulate your thoughts, and determine the best way to communicate them to the person or people in front of you. Another seemingly obvious but oft-forgotten consideration: be sure that you actually have something to say—don’t speak merely for the sake of speaking. After all, you cannot mean what you say if you speak without meaning.

Tip #2: Say What You Mean

In Lewis Carroll’s Alice in Wonderland, when the March Hare advises Alice to say what she means, Alice responds, “I do. At least—I mean what I say—that’s the same thing, you know.” “Not the same thing a bit!” responds the Mad Hatter. Too often he is right: our communications do not always accurately express our meaning. It is perhaps on this facet of communication that the majority of people will need to do the most work. It is one thing to have ideas and opinions to share, but these will be of little service to anyone if you cannot articulate them clearly. This may require a good deal of practice, but what, for the sake of building relationships, could be more useful than learning to express your feelings, your intentions, and your thoughts to others in a manner they are sure to understand? In learning to be better communicators, we become better sympathizers, better brothers and sisters, better fathers and mothers, better teachers, better leaders, and better members of the community. Consider the topics about which you hold the strongest opinions, the subjects for which you have the greatest passions, and even the matters that bother you the most, and practice ways of articulating your thoughts about all these themes in private. Practice convincing yourself of your positions on all the matters that are important to you. As you flesh out your ideas, you are likely to come to new conclusions, which may further strengthen your arguments or even perhaps cause you to loosen or altogether change your stance. In either case, you will benefit and ultimately strengthen your communication skills.

Tip #3: Learn to Listen

Communication is a two-way street. Even professional orators receive feedback from their audience in the form of facial expressions and gestures. Communication, community, commune, committee, and many other English words descend from the Latin “com,” meaning “united” or “together.” In conversation, the most common form of communication, two or more parties alternate between the roles of speaker and listener. If effective speaking is an art that has slipped into disrepair in the modern world, good listening, I fear, is one that has gone nearly extinct. On account of our rushed and busy lives, it has become important to us that we say what we have to say while we have the time to say it. This has led not only to an abbreviated style of speech in which we recycle a number of meaningless words and aphorisms, but has also resulted in our becoming inattentive listeners—if we’ve hardly the time to say what we want to say, how can we possibly have time to hear what others have to say? This terrible attitude toward communication can turn conversations into competitions in which every party vies to get their point across. Communications are effectively sterilized in such exchanges—if such they can be called—as little to no attention is paid to what is being said. To remedy this, we must relearn the essential art of listening. This begins with taking a quality-over-quantity approach to communicating. Consider the following two scenarios:

Scenario #1:

Mark and John engage in a conversation, each armed with three points he would like to make. They spend the next five minutes talking over each other, attempting to snatch control of the narrative, and doing very little listening. The conversation ends after both Mark and John have voiced their points, but neither has any idea what the other has said.

Scenario #2:

Mark and John strike up a conversation, and each has three points he would like to convey to the other. Mark lets John speak first, and is happy to find that John’s first talking point is completely in line with one of his own. John yields the conversation to Mark, and finds that he is in agreement with two out of three of Mark’s points. There is a friendly exchange of opinions between the two men, and after five minutes of talking, both parties leave satisfied.

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In the real world, of course, not everyone will see eye-to-eye as readily as Mark and John; indeed, it is a fact of life that some people may simply never agree. What is important is that we take the time to listen to one another, lest we surrender the chance to know definitively whether we agree or not.

To practice the skill of listening, one need not necessarily seek out a partner. It is sufficient and in fact quite beneficial to practice listening to your inner monologue—that is, as you prepare ways to articulate your thoughts in your mind, you listen to those thoughts and ponder their clarity and merit. This is an important step toward becoming more introspective, and one from which great benefits may be reaped. Furthermore, it will train you to be a better listener in actual conversations, to hear other speakers with greater consideration and interest, and to allow yourself the time to formulate appropriate and coherent responses. Remember: good conversation is neither a competition nor a race, but an equitable exchange of ideas, thoughts, and feelings.

Tip #4: Be Truthful

If you cannot convey your true thoughts in conversation, it is better to say nothing at all. Falsely characterizing your opinions on matters, for any reason at all, is antithetical to good communication. While it may seem that affecting an outward attitude of agreement is conducive to smoother exchanges, presenting an inaccurate portrayal of your positions and particularly your feelings is not only morally objectionable, but contradictory to the very point of communication. Ideally, you will participate in conversations in which the views of all parties are welcomed and appreciated, but in cases where this is not so and your opinions may be deemed inflammatory or unproductive, it is always preferable to choose silence over deceit.

Tip #5: Give Credit Where Credit is Due

Another pervasive cultural tendency at present lies in an abundance of criticism and a scarcity of praise. In general, we are quick to voice our grievances, while being parsimonious with our compliments. While this is not a sign of bad communication, per se, it is decidedly not conducive to good relations. Issuing a bit of praise, when it is earned, can go a long way toward establishing more affable communications with parties. Acknowledgement of another person’s merits is a gesture of goodwill and a sign of humility, whereas a tendency to nitpick and dwell on the faults of others betrays a sense of insecurity and brusqueness that do not lend well to fruitful conversation.

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Arguably the most powerful of the unique characteristics humans possess among all of God’s creatures is our sophisticated ability to express ourselves to one another. Like all complex skills, communication must be practiced, honed, and appropriately adapted to suit one’s own strengths. This is likely to come at a considerable expense of time and effort, but the rewards will be priceless. If only to better relate your love to the ones dearest to you, practice communicating your feelings. To more thoroughly convey your ideas in matters of business and industry, practice communicating your logic. And even for the sake of putting a smile on the face of a total stranger with a simple greeting, practice communicating with intention.

You may be quite surprised by the power of “Hello.”