In Skin Not My Own

#empathy #compassion #emotionalintelligence

“You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view, until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it.”

In this classic scene from To Kill a Mockingbird, Atticus Finch uses simple English to teach his young daughter Scout the meaning of empathy. Scout struggles to comprehend the depth of her father’s words throughout the remainder of the novel, but in the end is able to see through the eyes of the much maligned Boo Radley and demonstrate a real growth of emotional character. Since its publication in 1960, the book has become an American classic for its messages of tolerance, courage, compassion, and—perhaps most importantly—realism.

Indeed, placing oneself in the shoes of another is in reality often much more easily said than done. However much we should all like to consider ourselves compassionate individuals, the fact is our ability to empathize with others is limited by our range of experience and our connection to ourselves. The first step toward becoming more empathic therefore begins not with an examination of others, but of oneself.

Empathy is essential for building strong and meaningful relationships with others, and can guide us to success in both personal and professional endeavors. Considered the cornerstone of emotional intelligence, empathy is sometimes mistaken as an innate trait that one simply has or does not have, when in fact it is a skill that can be honed. In the same way that standard intelligence may be improved upon through reading books, emotional intelligence may be strengthened by reading oneself and others. But in order to read, of course, one must first know the language.

This begins with learning the vernacular of your own emotions. By taking the time to consider what really makes us happy, what makes us sad, what motivates us, what we fear, and what is spiritually fulfilling to us, we become more deeply connected to our own emotional structures and thus position ourselves to better recognize these emotions in others. In the course of performing this self-reflection, we may even find that habits we have come to believe are making us happy and enriching our lives are not so constructive as we had thought. Time spent self-reflecting also presents a useful opportunity to work through any fears, reservations, and sorrows that may be stifling us. It is furthermore an apt time to check our progress toward existing goals and perhaps to set new ones. Finally, exercises in self-reflection afford us the chance to reaffirm our spiritual convictions, confirming our sense of purpose and helping us to remain grounded. All of the preceding considerations inevitably add to a greater sense of emotional depth and open-mindedness, which then inform our interactions with others in a meaningful and compassionate tenor.

Of course, there will inevitably come instances in which you are exposed to individuals whose circumstances are so foreign to your own frame of reference that you cannot explicitly relate to their troubles. Such cases do not preclude compassion, though, as empathy connects to universal modes of human emotion independent of the processes from which they emerged. For example, only one who has experienced slavery firsthand can know the full depths of the anguish of forced servitude, but this does not mean that the balance of humankind cannot recognize and even sympathize with their pain on some level. By exposing ourselves with an open mind to diverse individuals with a wide range of experiences, we broaden our understanding of the human condition and in turn raise our emotional intelligence.

One of the myriad benefits of learning to be more empathetic is that you will shift from being a reactive person to being a responsive one. Amid the hustle and bustle of our fast-paced culture, we are too often compelled to formulate instant reactions to stimuli. This manifests most commonly—and most insidiously—in conversations whose participants form quick and careless responses to one another. In the best of cases, this leads to mere misunderstandings; in the worst, real injury. By having a robust connection with our own intentions and a fine-tuned ability to glean the motives of others, we enable ourselves to respond thoughtfully and objectively to what is transmitted to us. Self-regulation and empathy are in such cases a collective aegis against frustration and miscommunication, and catalysts to stronger and more abiding relations.

We are told in a popular aphorism that opposites attract. This adage plays on human curiosity and our tendency to gravitate adventurously toward the unknown. It does not, however, speak of the long term, in which our lasting friendships and romances are largely founded upon the commonalities we are able to realize with others. We are best able to relate to the people to whom we are closest, and we are closest to the people with whom we are best able to relate. Such is the nature of empathy. Thus, the wider the populace with whom we are able to find common emotional ground, the greater our prospects for forming enduring relationships.

It is important to remember that the quest to become the best iteration of oneself is not a solo endeavor with mere personal implications. Rather, it is a collective affair involving self-reflection and self-improvement of boundless reverberative power, with empathy, the precursor to love, at its nucleus. President Barack Obama summed this up succinctly in a student roundtable of 2009, in which he remarked: “Learning to stand in somebody else’s shoes, to see through their eyes, that’s how peace begins. And it’s up to you to make that happen. Empathy is a quality of character that can change the world.”

And somewhere Harper Lee was smiling.

We are best able to relate to the people to whom we are closest, and we are closest to the people with whom we are best able to relate. Such is the nature of empathy.