“Before the Sun Goes Down, Forgive!”

#forgiveness #anger #healing

Hurting is part of life. At some point in your life, someone will have hurt you, and you will inevitably be hurt again in the future. Likewise, it is probable that you yourself have bruised one or more people along the way, knowingly or otherwise. The pain of a single injury—be it to the body, the mind, the ego, or the spirit—can lead to anger and resentment that, if left unresolved, will likely persist far beyond the original sting. As a physician, I have encountered many patients with deep-seated anger that led to a host of health conditions, including anxiety, depression, high blood pressure, and even stroke and heart attacks. That is right—it is clinically dangerous to harbor enmity; in fact, studies have shown that anger can increase the risk of a heart attack by up to 230 percent. Akin to many medical conditions, animosity is harder to combat once it has been allowed to fully take root in a person; therefore, a key element of anger management is simply preventing oneself from becoming resentful in the first place. For this, the best thing a doctor can prescribe is forgiveness.

I think back to several years ago, when a physician who was hired into my practice had to be released after only a few weeks for not meeting our performance standards. Unable to find another job, he filed a complaint with the state labor board. He manufactured a number of grievances, claiming that he had not been allowed to take breaks and had been forced to work overtime. Similarly, a receptionist who was reassigned to a position in a different department for the same hourly compensation became disgruntled, and filed a discrimination suit against the practice. When this proved unfruitful, she filed a subsequent claim for sexual harassment. Most disheartening of all, though, was the near-repeat of the same event, in which a failed discrimination case was turned to a sexual harassment complaint, but involved the plaintiff attempting to bribe ex-employees to corroborate her story.

All of the above-mentioned claims were unsubstantiated and ultimately unsuccessful in leeching money from us, but that is not to say they did no damage and caused no pain. Given the circumstances, I could not help but feel betrayed, particularly as I recalled the many ways in which I had helped some of the parties involved over the years. But it is what I did with this pain and disappointment that made the difference between my moving forward optimistically and my seething in acrimony: I forgave them. I accepted the reality of the circumstances, acknowledged how I was feeling, and forgave them. Then the healing process was able to begin.

At this juncture, it is important to clarify that by learning to forgive, you are not minimizing or denying your pain, nor are you accepting the unkind behavior shown by the offender. Forgiveness is also not about forgetting painful experiences, nor is it about reconciling with transgressors. Forgiveness is not issued for the sake of the offender, but for the forgiver. Forgiving a guilty party is an act of self-empowerment, a reclaiming of your emotional foundation, and a paving of the path to move forward. It is the first step in the process of healing, and an aegis against the perils of anger and malice.

Forgiveness is not always easy, but it is necessary. For guidance, one may consider the Christian point of view. Jesus said that forgiveness must be offered forever and always, without limit—“seventy-seven times”. (Mt. 18:21-22). In this particular passage, we see the contrast between the human tendency to forgive and God’s. Peter must have thought that he was being generous by asking if he should forgive his brother as many as seven times. But the infinite mercy of God can never be outdone. There is no limit to the mercy of God, and, therefore, there must be no limit to the mercy we offer to others.

Because none of us has lived a pristine life free of pain and torment, we all have people to forgive. Perhaps these are parents, spouses, business partners, relatives, friends, or all of the above. For their transgressions, large and small, intentional and otherwise, we must offer forgiveness. And crucially, you must not exclude yourself from your pardon list. Examine the ways in which you have done damage to yourself, the instances in which you have disappointed yourself, the times you have failed to give yourself proper love and recognition. Forgive yourself for these things. You alone can do this.

That is not to say that you must approach the act of forgiveness without aid, though. As in all things, you may call upon the Lord to help you with the process. Ask Him to place in your heart the desire to forgive—to offer real, true forgiveness—in a new and deeper way. Ask that He help you heal, and guide you away from anger and bitterness. Remember that it is His judgment that matters, not the approbation of your friends nor reproach of your critics, as their words will in no way alter the intrinsic value of the person you are and indeed the person you will grow to become.

Finally, remember that to err is human. To resent any aspect of the human condition is to consign oneself to a lifetime of bitterness and frustration. It is helpful to keep in mind that we are all at different points on our personal journeys to become the best versions of ourselves. We cannot hold others to our own standards and ideals. We cannot expect them to act and react as we would in any given situation. Some people will hurt us, with no intention to do so. Others will act out of malice, as others may have acted maliciously toward them. It is said that “Hurt people hurt people”—that is, those who have been hurt have a tendency to do damage to others. It is perhaps these individuals who are in the greatest need of forgiveness. Consider that they, too, are on journeys, and that the surest way to move forward along your own path in peace, love, and contentment, is to keep God close to your heart, keep anger far from it, and forgive, forgive, forgive.

“Forgiveness is man’s deepest need and highest achievement.”

Horace Bushnell